Know When to Back Off to Get Further

In a dating relationship, especially when you’re still just getting to know each other, you have to play a bit of a cat and mouse game. Lots of people get upset when the word "game" is associated with dating.

The fact remains that in the "getting to know you" period, you can’t just throw yourself at the woman you’re dating, tell her that you love her and that you want to be with her every minute of the day and expect her to be okay with that.

Unless she’s very needy or a gold-digger who really wants to get her claws into you, she’s going to run screaming. That’s why you have to play a little. You can’t just throw all of your cards on the table right away.

Instead you have to act sort of like a rubber band. You have to stretch out to her, and then back away. There’s nothing wrong with doing this, and in fact, it’s how most human relationships are anyway.

When you do this during dating, you are showing her that you like her, but that you haven’t sacrificed your entire life for her. Of course, the game goes both ways. Here’s how to back off to get further:

When you’re out on a date, whether it’s lunch or a party or a baseball game, spend lots of time with her and near her, but take breaks, too. Go play pool for a few minutes – don’t be rude, just say, "I’m going to play a game of pool with Joe, be right back."

You can glance and smile at her from the pool table so she knows that you haven’t forgotten her. Or take a few minutes to go get a drink. You’re not abandoning her - you’re letting her know that you like her but that your life isn’t centered completely on her.

When you’re with her, make sure you take a break from talking. It’s okay to have silence for a minute or two – it’s not going to hurt anything. You can always break the silence by asking her a question about herself or something that she’s interested in.

If you’re constantly talking, you aren’t giving her or yourself a breather to take in what’s happening. If you’re hitting it off so well that neither of you can stop talking, that’s okay, but keep in mind that you still might need to pull away just for a minute or so to give her some time to miss you.

On the other hand, while backing off is a good thing, you can act too aloof – to the point that you lose her. Don’t wander off and come back a half hour later and expect her to be okay with sitting by herself while you chatted with your buddies.

Likewise, if you’ve had a date or two and you like her and want to continue dating, don’t wait a month to call her. She will have moved on. You don’t have to call the very next day, but you’d be wise to call or email within a couple of days to let her know you had a good time on your last date and you hope you can go out again sometime soon.

Backing off to get farther is a balancing act, but it doesn’t have to be all that difficult. Just allow for some breathing space for both of you and give her a chance to miss you and your great personality for a bit. This is all part of "the game."

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Dr. Molly Goodman is founder of the Goodman Institute For Better Sex.
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